Personal Accounts 002

I really enjoy writing down my thoughts. Instead of writing down ideas to attempt to box in my thought-processes and control what’s happening around me, I am trying to use it as a tool to recognize and proactively find solutions to different situations.

Not consciously/logically understanding the feelings and emotions I sometimes have sends me on deep peaks of euphoria or introversion. Coming to basis that I might naturally be introverted (trained extrovert still) bothers me somewhat. Hoping to use that to my advantage sometime soon. I’ve found myself also trying to logically step myself into moods and actions (will never work). I am slowly learning you can not logically explain the part of life that uses only emotion and feeling. You will never be able to code a piece of artwork.

So I want to accomplish 3 things: -Trusting and using my gut feelings instead of logic -Recognizing and breaking through restrictive thoughts my Ego produces (validation over risk for the most part). AKA having a spine -Living an extreme case of “Best seat at the table? The one I’m in”

The one thing I do that foundationally puts me into reaction mode is analyzing why people are saying/doing what they are. I am essentially distancing myself from the environment--disconnecting myself from the conversation and what’s happening. Hence the weird, unrelatable, and distant thoughts. I have an urge to learn through spectating instead of experience and that is what needs to change. When I "3rd wheel" my own experiences I place a tracker or speed bump on everything I am doing and saying. . The way I help this is to embrace not resist what is going on. By losing the notion of perfection and un-fluidity to the world I can learn to trust my gut, ignore the self-sustaining poison of my ego, and have no expectations for what happens.